Behind the smile

When deciding to write this blog I set out on a mission to show and explain about the raw insight into cancer treatment but only now do I realise the importance of massively needing to highlight the raw insight into life after treatment. 

IT DOES NOT JUST STOP! 

One of the things that happens… Before cancer you are happily plodding along with a personal balance of juggling life – family, home, work, friends. Then boom, cancer diagnosis, throw everything into the air but you massively realise how those things you were plodding with become rearranged and re prioritised. Everyone wants to be there, to help, to send messages, for you to know they are with you. Great. You need that support more than anything, way more than you realise and will ever admit. But inside you are in fight mode so you put your head down and battle through without really knowing what’s going on around you and you aren’t juggling anything from before because you haven’t got the time or the energy. Those things seem to just be juggling themselves and everyone is around you, like armbands keeping you afloat. You have a plan, I had my diary notebook, it’s so regimented, organised. Up my street really. It’s like that because you are fighting a battle, you know the steps you’re going to take, a path laid out in front of you and you do as you’re told because you have no clue and need a hand to hold and take you in the right direction. Your team are there, they are the professionals, you put your trust in them and buckle in for the ride. Then 8months pass and you’re “finished” treatment. You walk out those hospital doors expecting to want to celebrate, expecting to feel “fixed”, expecting to feel happy. But you don’t. You feel scared and worried and damn right abandoned. I’ve said it so many times before but it literally feels like you’re dangling from a cliff edge and all the safety nets and security lines are being unclipped and taken away. You’re back into “life”. And now your back remembering that there were things to juggle but you can’t remember how to do that. You can’t remember how things used to work before – how did you used to plod. And then slowly because treatment has “finished” all the other support networks seem to melt away. The armbands that were surrounding you feel like they are deflating and you’ve got to start treading water by yourself abit more but you’re weaker, tired and it’s not as easy. 

It’s probably not making a lot of sense but what I suppose I’m trying to say is that cancer isn’t just about the physical side – the appointments, the treatment days, the meal deliveries, the helping with the kids, the offers to hoover the house – the practical things that everyone can clearly see would be helpful and are indeed very much appreciated. But please understand this – just because treatment has “finished” the mental side is still very much the battle now. Life doesn’t just click back to normal and carry on. Life doesn’t feel right. My body feels different, my children have grown up and I feel like I was absent for some of that time, I’m not as strong, I’m not as confident, I don’t know what I want to do going forward. All the things that I was happily plodding along with ‘before’ feels confusing at times. 

I sometimes have days where I feel rubbish and sad. Sometimes I feel fine and think ‘I can handle this’. And sometimes I feel resentment for the fact and everyone else’s life seems to have just fallen back into place – they can click back to their normal and carry on and I don’t feel there at all or know if I ever will. 

It’s a mind boggle but what I want to raise the importance of is that I’m more than just what you see on the outside and the hospital appointments. I’m silently thinking thoughts and sometimes having a good sob because I wake up and feel like that. Don’t be fooled by the outer snapshot you see. 

I don’t write this to make anyone feel bad or want anyone to think ‘I need to message her’. Just have awareness and try understand that people might be delicate and need time. The all important message – ‘be kind. Someone may be fighting a battle you know nothing about’.