Results

I honestly feel like the boys, mainly Henry, are going to grow up really affected by this whole situation. I mean it’s the early years in life when brain connections are made and things and although they may not remember it (I don’t have any memories from being 3) doesn’t mean it’s not going to have an impact on the boys they become. The mum guilt of this is huge. I mean they’ve seen me cry so much (a lot recently) and now Henry always asks if I’m ok even if Dan is just hugging me. He instantly asks to give me a cuddle if I’m sad and then always says ‘is that better now’. (Bless him – If only it was that easy!) And they definitely pick up on the stress within the household. I say they, Dylan doesn’t really give a monkeys and is pretty much the same whatever’s going on but Henry can be such a sensitive little soul and is so emotional at times. 

The fuzz is back! I’ve been finished chemo over 6 weeks now so the hair is growing – and everywhere- I mean I’m going to have to shave my legs!! I’m probably one of the few people who isn’t going to be rushing for a hair appointment after lockdown lifts!! And if I emerge with a head full of hair then we all know lockdown has lasted a long time!! 

I rang my Oncology nurse today. Been having really sore hips since finishing chemo. They can be rather painful at times, especially if trying to get up off the floor or first thing in the morning. I feel like an old lady who needs winding up to get going. Brain instantly thinks the worst so tried to think rationally but then needed to just talk it through with someone. Anyway my nurse described it exactly like I was feeling and said it sounds similar to early menopause symptoms. Low oestrogen can cause achy joints. Hopefully my system will kick back into 31year old lady cycles and it’ll improve but time will tell. Either way I’m going to have to get used to it as removing my ovaries in a few years will put me into menopause anyway! Still having some hot flushes so it kind of adds up. All so bloody pleasant. Post chemo side effects are real. Just because I’m not having the drugs every week doesn’t mean that part’s done and in the past. It’s still affecting me and my body and will do for some time from what I’ve read. 

Recovery is going well. I had a wound check up with the nurse and she was happy with how things looked. The glue that they used to seal the skin has pretty much peeled off now so I’m left with a red bumpy scar. The nurse did say this would fade over time and there were some massages that would help smooth it down. It looks better but not overly nice to look at but apparently it’s good that I’m looking at it etc. Arm movement is improving and I can nearly stretch my arm above my head again. You have to work on this because if you have radiotherapy you have to lie with your arm above your head the whole time so needs to be comfortable for that. And also because you don’t want to live your life not lifting your arms up like in that sure deodorant advert. Always made me chuckle that did. 

The shitty C took away a really good friend of my sister and sister in law. I’d known her too but better more recently given our common link. Different circumstances and diagnosis but still. It was strange because she was on the chemo ward having some treatment when I’d looked round during my very first oncology appointment – Small world and all that. Since then we’d chatted about things – She was lovely and I just hope she’s at peace now. Xxx Sleep tight Ree. Xxx 

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I am officially CANCER FREE!!! I had what they call a complete pathological response to chemo which means that every cancer cell within the tumour was killed. I also had clear lymph nodes too – so the drama of not knowing with those all along as been solved. 

There was quite a large lump remaining at the time of surgery but that was just a mass of dead cells and scar tissue. I’m so shocked. And pleased. And happy. It’s a bizarre feeling. I want to scream from the rooftops that it’s gone and celebrate but deep deep down I’m very scared to do that. To say out loud that it’s all gone and I’m clear is very very frightening. At the back of my mind I’ll always be worried. But right this moment, without thinking too much, FUCK YOU CANCER – IM WINNING!! 

Radiotherapy is the next step. Because it was triple negative, a large tumour and my age they want to throw it in to make sure all the cells are got just incase! I’m glad and I want this as it’s another defence mechanism so why not. That should start within the next month, depending slightly on the COVID situation but it will happen so we’ll see. 

Removal of right breast and reconstruction will still happen at a later date but no idea when. I will be seen again by the breast unit (surgeon) in 6months for a review and to begin discussions for this step but realistically the nurse said I need to fully heal and recover before this can happen. I’m still gutted about it all but got to think positively and do what’s right for my body. The time will come, for now, wonky donkey shall remain. 

The brain is a funny thing. I’ve never really thought about mental health until after Dylan was born and I was well into maternity leave. I had an internal battle about who I was and it occurred to me that I was struggling mentally. Not massively but it affected my confidence and self esteem. On reflection I think this probably happened after Henry as I’ve never had the same confidence. Anyway cancer came along and I truly realised the power the brain has over you. The thoughts can overwhelm me at times and I’m not going to lie it’s fucking hard work to block them out. My results are incredible and the best outcome I could have hoped for but those thoughts are there at the back of my mind – It’s annoying. I’ve been reassured this is normal by others in the same boat. For me my cancer journey will never be over. Practically it will all end soon but I feel like I’m dangling from a tall edge and watching the safety ropes being taken one at a time!! I don’t want to sound negative it’s just the only way I can describe it. 

Anyway. Live for the moment and all that. Come on body! I know I’ve criticised you ALOT and I’m sorry – Please keep going. A good result. An amazing response!!!